Tuesday, February 15, 2005


I've been slacking off on writing. I was having a good run there for a while, writing everyday and even keeping up with this blog. But work got a little crazy these past 2 weeks, the homework started piling up, I took a short vacation out to California...Not really excuses, I know, we make the time for the things that are important...I promise I'll be better. From here on out, I'm writing everyday.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Dinner time!

Here's what I had for dinner tonight, in order of ingestion:

1 bottle Stella Artois beer
1 piece eclaire cake, bought from bakery 2 days a go and now stale
3 pieces Havarti cheese with Jalapenos
2 pieces goat cheese
approximately 1 cup broccoli, steamed
1 Clausen pickle


Today's events

I took the day off from work today and slept in until 11:00. I felt a little guilty, I had meant to get up around 9 and do some laundry. Once I got up I drank coffee in my bathrobe and worked on a paper for school. It was nice to actually sit at my breakfast table and eat breakfast (Cheerieos with skim milk and a banana). I think it was the first time I've done that since moving into my apartment. Later in the day I went out wandering, stopping at Color Lab on 17th st. to drop off $128.60 worth of film. They told me I can have my pictures on Wednesday and I'm pretty excited. Later I went to a doctor's appointment where I got poked and prodded and yelled at for smoking cigarettes. After leaving the doctor's office I started walking towards home and bummed a smoke on the way, but don't tell Dr. Rothenberg. I wanted to go CD shopping but I'm broke again and thought it would only depress me to find music I wanted to hear and not be able to buy it. So I went home and finished my paper and got ready for class. I think I should take days off more often.

A rusty knife in my right hand

I'm a little scared to go to sleep tonight because I've been having some pretty awful nightmares lately. Last night's dream was rather apocalyptic and hyper violent--it almost reminded me of the movie 28 Days Later. Without going into the gory details and getting myself worked up again, let's just say it was terrifying and that I woke up in a sweat and had to turn the lights on for a while before I could relax. My mother tells me that when she was my age she had terrifying nightmares all the time, almost every night. She was married to my dad then and she told me that after every nightmare he'd comfort her back to sleep, never once begrudging her for waking him up. Its strange to imagine them so in love, my dad holding my mom and telling her everything's going to be alright, making her feel safe and erasing the bad images from her mind.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Why would you ever want to go home again?

My wrist is starting to hurt from typing so much lately--I don't know what's come over me but in the past 2 weeks or so I've been writing like a mad woman. It comes pouring out and I can't type fast enough so that by the end my fingers feel numb and my right wrist is hurting something horrible. I blame Jim Hondorff for the wrist pain. He's the one who put me in a cast for 6 weeks and according to the orthopedic surgeon "permanently damaged" my wrist rotation. I wonder if he ever thinks about that day. I wonder if he feels badly now for the way he behaved--whether he's grown up some or if he's still the same asshole. I remember that when I finally came back to school after recovering for a week or so he stopped me in the hall and gave me a Mercedes Bendz hood ornament as a way of saying sorry. I still have it in a box I keep in my parents attic.
I got invited to a party at his house the last time I visited my parents and I actually considered going, just to see, just to satisfy some need of facing my fears, facing someone who still haunts me in nightmares. I imagined going to his home, looking him in the eye, making him think about things I'm sure he'd rather deny. In the end I didn't go. Instead I hung out with with the girls, drinking wine and laughing at the way life had changed us.